The kingdom of heaven is at hand.
Are you ready for it?
why do i always get put in this predicament? probably because i put myself there. over and over again. have you ever had one of those days where just about everyone lets you down? in one night, my parents let me down, my boyfriend let me down, and my best friend let me down. i’m beginning to realize i let people walk all over me. all. the. time. when it comes to the people i love, i just give and give and give. no matter how much it hurts me or burns me out. but the sad thing is, they barely ever know that something is bothering me or something is hurting me, because i always choose to put on a brave face or just bottle it all in. i’m having a rough night. a really rough night. i have communication problems. i had them in my past relationship, my past friendships, with my parents, and my current relationship. what do you do when you don’t know how to let the other party know how you feel? and when you do try to express yourself it’s almost like they still don’t understand. sometimes i feel like people only understand what they want to understand. you give your time to what you value and what you care about… why does it feel like i’m constantly devoting my time to everyone else but no one can devote a second to me? tonight i told someone that i was going through some stuff and i didn’t even get a reply back. like, come on. that was me trying to open up. and i’m just kind of left there like…….uhmmmm. maybe i’ll feel better in the morning or maybe these thoughts will still run through my mind. probably the latter. i’m just tired. tired of being taken advantage of, taken for granted, and just overlooked in every aspect. i’ve been having a rough couple of weeks with barely anybody to vent to. everyone is always venting to me. who the crap am i supposed to vent to? my blog. that’s who. that’s actually kind of pathetic and sad, to be honest, haha. for the past couple of weeks, my pastor has come up to me several times like he knows something is up with me. he just keeps asking me if i’m okay and my first instinct is just to smile and say of course i’m okay. and then he says, “remember the joy of the Lord is your strength,” and then gives me a hug. everytime he does that, i just wanna cry haha. i’ve just been feeling like a little pansy over and over again. i’m sorry i didn’t graduate on time. i’m sorry that i couldn’t find a steady job this summer. i’m sorry i’m broke. i’m sorry that i got a speeding ticket. i’m sorry that i can’t provide for you like i always have. i’m sorry that my boyfriend is mean to you. i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry. i’m sorry i’m bothering you. i just feel like i’ve been such a disappointment to everyone lately and i’m so burnt out. it’s like everything that people have been telling me revolve around judgment, complaints, and criticisms. i’m so through with it. i just need some encouraging. but who would even know that? idk why im so emotional. i can’t blame it on my monthly friend. bc i already got that this month, lol. i’m just a mess. a complicated mixture of emotions. maybe i just need to sleep and stop listening to sam smith, lol. i cannot. bai, end sap sesh.
people only know what you choose to disclose. choose wisely.
lol at my life. i have no friends. more justification as to why i need an english bulldog in my life.
^ honestly, who’s boobs are supposed to fit in those things. they’re so cute and chic but if you’re a c cup and above, game over. aka me, game over :( haha.
summer days are better spent with the ones you love and boxes of those fruit bar popsicles. strawberry and coconut, please. then throw in some ice cream sandwiches to mix it up a bit and you’re set. that was us yesterday at starley’s house. we were playing with the twins and hanging out with april and kelvin too. it was so simple and fun to just be around each other.
i have never been in a relationship where i am so secure in myself and my partner. to have someone who makes you feel so beautiful and reassures you of it every single day, with or without the makeup, is such a blessing. i am so secure in his love and passion for me that there is zero doubt in my mind about where he belongs. he’s someone who drops everything just to bring me midol, two bananas, and my favorite breakfast bagel as soon as i wake when i tell him i got my monthly reminder (…. this really happened this morning, btw. i nearly cried when i saw his truck pull up to my driveway, lol) he can pick up a piece of clothing and know that it’s exactly something i would wear. he knows my shoe size without having to ask. he knows the quirky things about me that no one else knows about. his sense of humor matches mine in such a way that i don’t have to pretend to laugh at his jokes. his relationship with God inspires me to strengthen my own. idk if it’s my hormones making me go psycho again, but i really feel so much love for this man right now, lol.